I think this pic speaks for itself...

I am definitely not, but here we are regardless.

We’ll call this baby-to-be the earthquake baby – when Mike and I were evacuated from Japan due to the earthquake/tsunami/nuclear meltdown trifecta, the med-group here gave us exactly 30 days worth of meds…meaning one more pack of birth control pills for me.  And, since we were gone for 30 days…well, you can see how well that worked out for us once we got back to Nihon (Japan).

I received that daunting extra pink line on Mother’s Day at 4am and promptly returned to bed to stare at Alan until he woke up and asked what was going on and why I felt the need to stare so intently at him at such an early hour.  My response, and you should read this sarcastically because that’s exactly how I said it: “I’m pregnant…Happy Mother’s Day to me.”  Alan just smiled, pulled me into one of his bear hugs, chuckled a little while murmuring something about him having super sperm complete with their own red capes and then fell back asleep.  I have to hand it to him…not much can phase him.  I, on the other hand, had to get up out of bed because I couldn’t sleep anyway.

I’m certainly not ready, Alan definitely is and I think Mike might be more in my camp.  He’s a ham and loves the attention on him, he pushes puppies and kittens out of my lap so that he can sit there himself.  Actually, he just sits on top of them to make them move so I’m a little worried what’s going to happen when this new one comes and is attached to me for the majority of the day.  But…people do it everyday I suppose and everything works out.

If I wasn’t experiencing some of the exhaustion that was also present with Mike, I might doubt that I’m actually pregnant.  I feel fine otherwise, but it’s still very early – only 5 weeks in.  I’m sure though, as my belly grows…and grows…and then grows even when I’m sure there is no possible way it could grow anymore, that I’ll feel more pregnant.

My guess is that this one is a girl, because she’s already a pain.  Coming exactly when she wants to…wether it’s convenient for everyone else or not.

Thanks to Lauren Sokal for Mike’s awesome shirt!

Makena Baer

Before I get into this blog, I’m going to give some background information because I now have readers that range outside of my family, and who don’t know me or my situation at all.  My husband, Alan is in the Air Force and we’re currently stationed in Japan.  While in Japan, he received noticed that he would be deploying to the Middle East. So at the end of October, I traveled back to Ohio to live with my brother – Mike, his wife – Alisha and their two young children – Ed and Makena.  While here in Ohio I gave birth to our first son, Michael, in January.  Michael and I will be meeting Alan back in Japan sometime in May.  Hopefully, I’ve clarified some things for new readers and haven’t created any new confusion…

I think in this life there are some people who are just made to do certain things…have specific jobs…be a certain type of person.  While I believe everyone is blessed with some special gift, I think there are very few people who actually discover it and are able to put it to good use.  So, when I notice someone who has obviously found there niche, I definitely take notice.

Some people are made to be doctors or priests or bakers…Alisha’s mom and dad are definitely made to be grandparents.  I’ve been living here for about six months now and I can whole-heartedly say the only other person I’ve ever seen embody the role of grandparent like Alisha’s parents, Karen and Jim do, is my own grandma.  Ed, my three year old nephew, affectionately refers to Karen as maamaw and to Jim as paapaw.  They take Ed and Makena to the zoo, to parades, for sleep-overs at their house…they just love having their grandkids around and go out of their way to see them as much as possible.  And in return, Mike and Alisha love to be around them.

Myself, Mike, Alisha and the kids all just came home from having Easter dinner at Karen and Jim’s and I couldn’t help but notice the family atmosphere that they’ve been able to create for themselves, their children and their grandchildren.  As we sat down to eat a meal that they had both cooked, I realized that it’s because they are so welcoming.  They love their daughters and they love and welcome their spouses into their home like they are their own children.  And it’s because of this that everyone likes being at their home and goes there regularly.  I kept sitting there at dinner tonight thinking I just felt really comfortable, even though they aren’t even my in-laws.  I kept thinking that I had felt this same way before, but it took me a while to realize that I hadn’t felt that way since my own family was all seated around my own grandma’s table.  And while it made me miss my grandma, it made me very happy for my brother that he’s lucky enough to have such a good family environment for his kids.

Although it’s only Jim and Karen that live in that house, their home is filled with items for their grandchildren.  They have a crib for sleep-overs, colorful objects for them to play with and their tub is full of water toys for them during bath-time.  There’s a tree-swing in the backyard and motorized cars that the kids go crazy to take rides in.  The kitchen is stocked up with baby food and there are spare pajamas for each grandchild in the closet.  Everything about their house seems focused on their grandkids.

When we drove up to Jim and Karen’s house before dinner, the entire yard was covered with brightly-colored Easter-eggs.  The kids ran around picking them up and cracking them open to find little treasures inside – small toys or coins for their piggy banks.  Each grandchild had Easter baskets waiting for them, filled to the brim with candy and chocolates.  It was just really fun to see all the kids happy and hunting for eggs together…it made me excited for all the Easter’s ahead with my husband and our son.  It made me hopeful that we can build a family as close-knit as the one Jim and Karen have created.

Although I do miss Alan and I wish Michael and I could have spent this Easter with him, that wasn’t in the cards for us this year.  I do, however, feel very lucky to have spent it with a family as loving as Jim and Karen’s.  Happy Easter everyone; I hope you are spending it with the ones you love.

Our Little Munchkin

In the seven weeks since the weeha has been born, I’ve learned that support comes in all shapes and sizes, from all different people in my life.  In the past seven weeks I’ve needed both physical and emotional support and I’m not sure what I would have done without Alan and my family.

In the three weeks after giving birth, I experienced a heavy dose of what’s commonly known as the ‘baby blues.’  Doctors always warn people about postpartum depression, but I never really heard anyone talk about baby blues.  That, coupled with the fact that I didn’t experience any real emotional mood swings while I was pregnant left me completely unprepared for what an emotional mess I was during those first few weeks.  I think the baby blues affect each woman a little differently, but for me they made me feel inadequate and sad at a time when I expected to be feeling over-joyed.  And while I was happy to finally have our son, I’d also break down and cry several times a day.  I’m sure part of it was due to the shock of such little sleep in those first days, but most of it was due to the tremendous shift in hormones that a woman’s body undergoes after giving birth.  At one point I told Alan that I’d go through labor and delivery all over again if I could avoid the baby blues.

During that time, Alan helped me a lot just by being here.  He could take Michael when I was too emotional or overwhelmed.  He organized my living space here in my brother’s basement so that I’d be more comfortable after he left.  He reminded me that it wasn’t because I had done something wrong that the weeha was crying…that sometimes babies just cry…it’s what they do.  And I think the most helpful thing he did was not look at me like I had grown a third eye every time I burst into tears…which at times occurred every few hours or so.  Because Alan helped so much during that time for me, I was really nervous for him to leave.  And for another week after he left I was still in pretty bad shape, but Mike and Alisha were here to fill in his absence.

There are few people who know me as well as my brother.  When I was obviously having a bad day, he’d just kind of hang around to talk about normal things – nothing baby related.  He didn’t ask if I was ok or push me to talk about what I was feeling.  Even if it was clear I’d been crying, he wouldn’t bring attention to it.  He’d just wait to make sure I was alright and encourage me to stay upstairs with them longer.  I kept wanting to isolate myself because I do like being alone sometimes, but he knew it would be better for me to be around them.  And he was right…and I finally began to feel better.

On a particularly rough day, Alisha said something that I thought about over and over when I was having a hard time.  I’ve heard the saying many times, but for some reason it resonated strongly with me only after she said it.  I passed her when I was heading downstairs with the baby, and I was tired and frustrated.  And she looked at me, smiled and said…’just remember, this too will pass.’  And that’s what I’d think about at 12am, 2am, 4am and every couple of hours after that when I was up with the baby.  That’s what I’d think about when Michael would cry and I couldn’t get him to stop.  And, eventually, that’s what I would think about and it would make me feel grateful to have such a big blessing in the form of such a tiny person.  And now when I think ‘this too shall pass’ it makes me want to cherish every minute I spend with our son instead of just try to get through it.

I’ve had so many visitors here and they’ve all offered me support in their own ways.  Philip and Kendra came out bringing with them tiny outfits for the weeha.  Not only did they bring stuff with them, but when Kendra found out the type of outfits that I like to put on him the most, they went out the following morning and bought that type for him.  I’ve been lucky so far with sister-in-laws…Kendra always listens when I just need to talk.  And just having her here for that was a huge help.  She also saw me trying to care for the baby, care for myself and do laundry one evening and she just kind of took over the laundry portion of it which is another thing I’ll never forget.

Linda and Mikayla came out to visit for about 5 days to see Michael.  I’m sure that Mikayla would have rather been doing other things during her spring break, but it meant a lot to me that she came to see us.  And Linda babysat for me so that I could go by myself to my final midwife appointment in Columbus.  If I would have had to take the baby I would have been worried the whole time that he’d start crying and I’d have to pull over to make sure he was alright.  I’m not very good about just letting him cry for any length of time yet…so just the thought of a 45 minute drive to Columbus where I wouldn’t be able to just pick him up was a little unnerving.

My mom and step-dad, Tony, also came to see me and Michael.  My mom saw that I was literally falling asleep on the couch at about 7pm and promptly told me to go downstairs and get some sleep…that she’d watch the baby for a while and bring him to me later.  I thought she might watch him until midnight or so, but it wasn’t until 3am that she brought him to me.  She had just fed and changed him and she waited until he fell asleep in his crib before leaving, which meant I got to sleep from about 8pm to 4:30 am uninterrupted, which made all the difference in the world.  I’ve never been so grateful for a solid seven and a half hours of sleep in my life.  They were only here for a couple of days, but my mom actually decided to come back a couple weeks later for another five to help out.  She’d take him so that I could exercise or shower or even just sit down and eat without worrying that I’d need to go check on him.  She showed me different ways to entertain him and showed me that I don’t have to be so super careful with him all the time…that it’s alright to take him out in the sun or to let him just hang out in his diaper.  And it was neat to watch her with her grandson and think that she was probably the same way with me.

All of these people have given me support at a time when I didn’t even realize how much I would need it.  I hope that one day I can repay them their kindness and I hope they all know how much coming here to visit the baby and to help me out really means to me.  I appreciate them all and it’s not something I’ll ever forget.

Mike with his Dad

On the morning of January 26th, Alan and I drove to Columbus for my weekly midwife appointment.  After checking things out, she informed us that absolutely nothing was going on and that it could be anywhere from a week and a half to two weeks before the weeha made his big appearance….

But the weeha had other plans in mind.

At about 11:30 that same night, while trying to fall asleep, I began having contractions that started out at about 12 minutes apart.  I was sure these must be just the practice contractions I’d been having, so I tried to ignore them and just rest.  By about 2am the contractions were five minutes apart and I was unable to talk through them.  Alan had been sleeping next to me in bed up to this point, but began to stir when he heard me breathing hard through them and moaning a little bit.  When they hadn’t stopped by 3am, we called the midwife who told us to labor as long as possible at home because I wanted to have a natural birth, without medication.  Alan and I waited until 6:30 when my contractions were about four minutes apart before making the hour drive to the hospital in Columbus.

When we arrived at about 7:30am, they checked me out and discovered I was already 5 centimeters dilated.  I was admitted into a room and the whole labor process began.  Alan was exactly like I knew he would be…calm and helpful throughout the whole process.  At first, I was wanting just to lie on my side in the bed but my midwife came in and made me get up and move around to speed things along.  She had me lean on Alan through contractions, lean against the bed, sit on and lean over an exercise ball, stand in the shower and finally get in the jacuzzi tub.  By the time I was in the tub I was about 8 centimeters dilated and the contractions were really strong.  I notified everyone very loudly at one point that I was done with this and didn’t think I could actually go through with it.  My midwife let me know that that meant we were almost done, so she got me out of the tub and into the bed where it was time to push.

For some reason, the pushing part really scared me but once I started it only took about 15 minutes and four contractions to birth the weeha into the world at almost 1pm on the 27th of January, 2010.

Alan was amazed by the whole process and I was amazed, once again, by this man that I’ve married that is always so supportive of me.  I was worried he would think the whole thing was weird and disgusting, but instead he was truly awed by it.  I was in labor for about 12 hours and he was with me the entire time…either rubbing my back, pouring water on my shoulders or letting me lean on him during contractions.  Having gone through it, I can’t imagine going through it without him there.  And I’ll never forget the look on his face when his son was finally born and laid on my chest.

I hope you all like the pic of our son, Michael Alan Haedge.

Our Little Man

The best thing that happened during this week was that Alan flew into Columbus this past Friday.  His boss ended up working with him to allow him to be able to come home for about two weeks for the birth of the weeha.  It’s not something that happens very often, so I’m very grateful that his lieutenant colonel did what he could to get him back to me during this time.  He’ll definitely be getting a thank you letter from me!

Family is starting to let us know that they’ll be coming to visit, which we’re both excited about.  We know that people have their own busy lives, so it means a lot that people make the effort to come out for such an important event and we’ll always remember those that make the trip.  Philip and Kendra, Alan’s older brother and his wife, are going to come during the first week of February while Alan is still here and my family will be coming closer to the end of February and beginning of March.

All day Thursday I was having pretty regular contractions that were about 10 minutes apart…I thought that maybe the weeha was about to make his exit out of the womb but they slowed down quite a bit after I took a bath.  And, although the contractions were fairly close together, they weren’t as painful as I know they’ll be when it’s time to head to the hospital.  Since then, I’ve been having contractions daily but still nothing too regular.  I’m hoping that something will be happening soon though…

Normally, doctors will start checking your dilation by doing a pelvic exam beginning at 36 weeks.  I’ve been opting out of these checks because they didn’t sound particularly comfortable to me and because I figure I’ll have enough going on in that general area when the weeha does decide to make his appearance.  He’s going to come when he wants to come, so there’s no use on me just checking the progress of things.  That said, when I mentioned to my midwife during my last appointment that I had been having regular contractions, she wanted to check me because three other women were in labor that day.  I told her to go ahead if she needed to know if I was close for planning purposes.  The exam wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined and she informed me that although I was just about fully effaced, I was only about 1 centimenter dilated.  So…things were happening but not enough to alarm her that I might be their fourth delivery of the day.  I have another appointment with my midwife this Tuesday and Alan will get to go to that one.  We’ll let you all know if anything happens before then…

This week Ed informed me that the baby wants to come out.  How he knows this…I have no idea.  Maybe he has some  type of communication with the weeha that I don’t know about.  But, I told Ed that I want the baby to come out too so at least we’re all on the same page!  Ed then wanted to know if the weeha was going to be a friend for him and I assured him that he would probably want to be friends but that he’s going to be very small for a while so he may not be much fun.  Ed’s next question was if the weeha was going to come out on the floor…to which I replied, “God, I hope not!!”

So now it’s just a waiting game…today marks the beginning of my 39th week.  I both can and can’t believe that our son will very possibly be here within the next 7 days or so.  We’ll let you all know as soon as we do!!

I’ve been increasingly sore in my hips lately, so I like to take warm baths to ease the aching.  On the way to the bathroom, I grabbed some pajamas to change into for after I had taken my bath.  Ed asked me what I was doing because he must have noticed the change of clothes, so I told him I needed to go take a bath.  He said, “are you using Ed’s bath or daddy’s bath??”  I didn’t think much of his question because I figured he must just be concerned I’d play with his bath toys and mess them up or something.  I always use the bath tub in Mike and Alisha’s room because it’s one of those jacuzzi tubs that’s bigger, so I told Ed that I was going to use daddy’s tub.  Ed replied, “that’s good…you’re too big for Ed’s bath.”  Well gee thanks Ed…glad you noticed. :/

Ed then followed me down the hallway to Mike’s room and as I closed the door to lock it behind me said, “Kasey, don’t get stuck in there.”  Ahhhh….you have to love a concerned three year old.  I’m just glad that Makena isn’t old enough to chime in yet…

We also got hit with a ton of snow this past week, which is great for Mike’s business.  In the summer, his business revolves around asphalt and in the winter it’s focus changes to plowing snow.  He and his employees have contracts with different businesses in town, so the more snow that comes in, the more money they all make.  He has seven trucks with plows on them and drivers that operate each vehicle so I wanted to see how everything operated during a big storm.  I haven’t been sleeping well anyway, so Mike and I left home at about 11 pm last Thursday night to go plow.  It was neat to see how all of his guys are organized to get things done in the most efficient way possible and interesting to see how each of them does things just a little differently.  I made sure I had some snacks and water with me, but I didn’t end up eating the snacks because I actually got a little car sick while we were out there.  I think it’s because you have to go back and forth so much that it makes you a little queasy…plus Mike really drives pretty fast out there to get things done quickly.  I’m glad I went though and I’d go again with him…I enjoyed being able to spend some more time with him and it was really pretty to be out in a big snow storm like that.

Alan let me know that his boss might let him come back to see the birth of the weeha, which I am so grateful for.  I’d be so excited just to see him again and for him to be here to meet our son.  He emailed me about it this morning and it has really made my whole day sunnier.  It would be a lot of traveling for him, but I’m glad he’s willing to do it.  I’m really hoping he gets to come.

To those of you who check my blog regularly…I’m sorry this is a day or so late.  It’s also going to be a short one because it’s already late here and I’m getting pretty sleepy.  Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week…only three more to go!!

My grandma made her exit from this life on the 30th of December…and if there is indeed a heaven, I figure this gave her two sons just enough time to show her around before heading to some Irish pub up there to celebrate the end of such a tumultuous past couple of years and the beginning of the new time they’ll all get to spend doing exactly as they please.  Which, for my grandma, would involve a lot of Irish whiskey.

I keep thinking that if any of the three of them will be watching us closely from above, it will be her.  My grandma loved her family more than anything else, so I have to think she’ll often be watching to see how this family she’s created evolves.  I can see my dad saying that he’s done the best he could with us and that it’s up to us to do the rest…and for that reason checking in less.  And I’m not sure about my Uncle Mike…although I loved him, I didn’t know him well enough to know if he’d be nosey with us or let bygones be bygones.

It is nice to think that they are all together, but I’m not sure if I believe it.  All three of them, however, did believe in God and Heaven…and if anyone ever deserved to be there, I’m sure it was them.  My dad did very kind things for people very quietly and most of the time no one knew he had even done them.  And my grandma took care of people her entire life;  I really can’t remember her ever putting herself before any of her children or grandchildren…or even for asking for anything in return.  And we all loved her very much for it.  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else who truly loved their family unconditionally.  My dad thought it was a fault in her and while she agreed that perhaps it was, it was just how she was built.  I don’t think she knew how to love any other way.

My sister in law asked me how I was dealing with her passing and it’s a complicated question for me to answer.  I feel like the shock of death has been blunted for me first by my dad’s quick death and then by my uncle’s passing.  My dad’s was the hardest for me because I just couldn’t get over how such a strong presence could just be gone…and while that concept is still hard to comprehend, I at least understand that it’s possible.

My grandma was another very strong presence, and as ironic as it may sound, I think the ultimate proof of this lies in her passing.  I really believe that she had made up her mind that her time here was over…and because she had chosen that path it was so.  I know she felt comfortable with how the rest of us were doing and where we are at in our lives; she made sure we all knew that.  I think she just decided it was time for her to go.

I guess the accumulation of their deaths feels, right now, like a big stone that sits heavily upon my chest.  I don’t cry everyday, or even much at all anymore, but I feel it’s weight when I think of how they’re all gone from my life.  I imagine that it will always be there, and I’m okay if it is.  It’s a reminder of how much they all mean to me.

And while their absence will always bring me sadness, it also makes me very grateful for the family I still have.  I have a great husband in Alan and together we’re creating our own start together.  I think it makes me more appreciative of the people in my life who are important and I make sure they all know who they are.

I hope this is the last post I write about death for a long time; my entire family could definitely use the break from it.  I am thinking 2010 will bring better things for us…but we will always remember the three of us that have gone on to the next place.  And hopefully, they too, think of us often.

Mike, Alisha and I have all been prepping Ed that there will be another new baby around soon.  We’re hoping that if we mention it often, it won’t come as such a surprise when the weeha is here.  I think Ed does actually get it since he went through it once before with his sister, Makena.  He sometimes points at my belly and asks if there’s a baby in there…and the other day while I was reading him a bedtime story he informed me that, “Kasey is big.”  So, I think he has some idea of what’s going on…either that or he just thinks he has an abnormally large aunt.

Alan is lucky enough to have internet this time around in his room where he’s deployed so I get to talk to him most mornings and late evenings.  I set up the laptop in the kitchen a few days ago while I was making a sandwich and all of the sudden I heard him laughing pretty hard.  I asked him what was so funny and he said I remind him of the penguin on the movie, Batman.  Oh…he thinks he’s so hilarious.  I went ahead and found a picture of a penguin for my blog this week.  I have to admit, there is some resemblance…especially in the way we both move.

The highlight of this week came in a trip to Lowe’s that I took with my brother.  He had to run some errands so I thought I’d go with him just to get out of the house for a while.  When we walked in the doors it literally felt like everyone was staring at my belly.  I thought I was probably just being over-sensitive, so I just ignored it and continued on.  Mike later told me that I was not imagining things and that people were indeed staring at my huge belly.

While perusing the aisles, a family of 4 consisting of two parents and two young girls, approximately 7 and 5, began walking towards us from the other end of the aisle.  The older girl nudged her little sister, raised her hand straight out from her body and pointed directly towards my huge belly.  I was pretty sure that yes, that actually had just happened, but I glanced at my brother and didn’t see any change in his face so I thought that maybe, once again, I was being sensitive and she was actually pointing to something behind me.  Although, I’m pretty sure as big as I am I’d be blocking anything else in that area.  Then, the mom went to turn the cart and both little girls ran smack into it because they were still staring at me instead of paying attention to where they were walking.  It was at this point that a smile broke across my brother’s face and he started laughing.  I think he was just trying to ignore the girls for my sake but couldn’t help burst into laughter when they ran into the shopping cart.

I’m wondering how much bigger it is possible for me to get in the next 4 weeks, but the weeha is gaining about an ounce per day so I’m thinking that I will inevitably have to continue upon this scary path until he arrives.  The weeha’s basic physical development is complete…I officially have a fully-formed little human floating around in my belly just waiting to be born.  The only development he’ll likely undergo in this last month just consists of packing on weight.  I won’t have any more ultrasounds before he arrives so we’ll have to wait until he’s here to see just how well he did at putting on the pounds.

In the past week, I’ve been experiencing some new developments.  I’ve been having quite a few of the braxton hicks contractions for some time now, but recently I’ve had a few real contractions during the day.  I had one so strong the other night that it woke me up.  I just got up, made a trip to the bathroom and got some water but when nothing else seemed to happen I went back to bed and fell asleep.  I’ve also been pretty crampy the past week which is just another sign that my body is preparing itself for birth.  Hopefully I’ll be well-prepared and the whole ordeal won’t take too long…We shall see soon enough.

Big Green Belly

I knew the fat jokes would start up eventually, and this week they reared their ugly head after my brother partook in too much holiday cheer.  I think he’s been holding himself back because he knows I’m a tad sensitive about all of this weight gain, but this week he couldn’t quite stop himself…

Mike, Alisha and Linda all decided to go out on Christmas night and mingle with the rest of the Lancaster crowd who had had enough family celebration and were ready to let loose with a few drinks.  While I normally would have been one of the first to suggest such an outing, I can’t go in my present condition so I volunteered to watch the kidlets while the other adults headed to the local bar.  Linda and Alisha ended up coming home around 10:30, saying that Mike was in rare form, had stayed at the bar and would be coming home later.  He rolled in at about 11:30 with a couple friends that had driven him home and who came in to have a glass of wine with everyone.  Mike’s friend, Brent noticed that Zona (Mike’s dog) has a sore on her back and asked my brother how she had gotten it.  Mike told him that it was called a heat spot and that she gets them because she’s too fat…

At which point, Mike swiveled his head around to me and said…”You better be careful, Kasey or you’re going to end up with about five of those before this whole deal is over.”  I told Mike he better be careful or I might just strangle him in his sleep.

Besides this week being filled with gift wrapping, trips to the post office to send the gifts out and gift opening, I also had a maternity tour at the hospital.  I’m glad that i went because the hospital staff shows you where to park, where to come in and register and what exactly will happen when I eventually do go in to labor.  It did make me more lonely for Alan because every other pregnant woman was there with their husband or significant other…it just made me feel like he is missing out on some stuff that he might like to be a part of.  They took us by the nursery to see all the brand new babies and even though I know I have one of my own hanging out in my belly, it also seems very weird to me that there is a fully formed little person in there.

I think the hospital has made me a little more nervous about things too…just how the whole process will go.  It seems like D-Day is getting closer and closer and I just can’t quite picture how everything is going to go down.  I know it will be fine, it will just be nice when it’s finally over and I’m back at my brother’s with the baby.

The weeha is doing well…he’s working on his lung development and will continue to do so until he’s born.  Babies born this early usually do fine, but it’s better for them to stay in a bit longer to maximize the lung and brain development.  Other than that…he’s packing on the weight to make his cheeks a little chubbier for his arrival.  :D

I’m also feeling pretty good, but moving around a little slower…the bigger I get, the slower I go.

33 weeks pregnant with niece, Makena - 8 months

This coming week should be festive and fun, filled with family and friends.  That’s how my family’s Christmases have always been and I’ve always taken it for granted.  I didn’t take it for granted on purpose…but if you grow up with a family that always goes out of their way to make this time of year special for you that’s just how you always expect it to be.  We always have Christmas morning at my dad’s house and then we go to my grandma’s the day after to open more gifts and eat more food there.  I never realized while growing up how much effort my dad put into making sure that Mike and I had a very strong family, even though he and my mom were divorced.  From a split family, he put together a whole one for us…and for a long time a huge part of that family dynamic has been my dad’s mom…my grandma.

If you could picture in your head what an ideal grandma should be, it would be ours.  I think I spent more sleep-overs at my grandma’s house then I did at any of my friend’s homes combined.  When we were little, she spent uncomplaining hours playing ‘Go Fish’ and ‘Candy Land.’  She spent years making us comfort foods…homemade macaroni and cheese, fried chicken and strawberry shortcake.  My grandma was our favorite vacation companion regardless of our actual destination.  She taught us addition by teaching us how to play blackjack.  As we got older, she talked us through our adolescence and reassured us that everything would, in fact, turn out alright.  And we believed her…and everything was alright.  She cuddled us through our problems and fears when we were young, and drank with us through them when we were older.

The family my dad has made for us has always been very constant…I always knew right where they’d be and never questioned that they’d always be there.  In the past 15 months, however, my dad has died in a tragic accident, his brother – my uncle, has succumbed to lung cancer and my perfect grandma is now dying of a broken heart.  Doctors keep searching for a cause to her depression, lethargy and malnutrition but can’t find anything physically wrong with her.  I know that her illness lies in the missing chunks of her soul that her two sons used to occupy…too deep and well-hidden to show up on all the x-rays and cat-scans.

I wish there was something we could say to motivate my grandma to want to keep living, but she’s pretty stubborn and I have a feeling she’s made up her mind that her days with us are numbered.  Mike bought a ticket back to Arizona and left today to go see her.  At this point, I’m too far along in my pregnancy to join him but I know my grandma knows I’d be there if I could.

I’ll miss seeing her this Christmas…just like I’ll miss seeing my dad.  This Christmas I’ll be thinking about them and about my Uncle Mike and about all the years before when we could all be together.  This year I’ll be especially thankful that my husband is safe, that my brother and his family are near and that Linda and Mikayla can travel to see us for the holiday.  This year I’ll pray very hard that my grandma decides she wants to stay, but if she doesn’t…I pray it will be her two sons that meet her when she passes on.

This year I hope that you look around and take stock of what you see.  ’Life is short’ is indeed a cliche…but it is also true.  Make sure that people know what it is you think of them and that you are comfortable with how your relationship stands with everyone in your life.  I’m not saying you have to mend all your broken fences, but make sure you can live with how things stand if one day the option to mend them has passed.  And if there are people you love, you really love….make sure you tell them so.  People don’t just magically know what you think of them and it means a lot to actually hear the words come out of your mouth.  Just make sure the most important people in your life know how important they really are.