Week 27: A Week of Good-bye’s

Alan and I arrived in Arizona on October 30th, and on Halloween we all received a phone call that my Uncle, my dad’s brother, had passed away during the night.  It is a very hard thing to lose two people in your family in such a short period of time…it makes you really think about the fact that there is no day in this life ever guaranteed to us; that today could always be our last.  My dad was taken very suddenly and his brother more slowly.  My Uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer about five months ago and in that time he went from having a normal, functioning life to cancer spreading throughout his entire body, including his brain, and making daily activities basically impossible.  My Aunt said my Uncle called out for and saw my dad shortly before he died.  I’d like to believe that my dad came to get his brother, so that he wouldn’t be all alone on the journey to wherever it is we go after our lives end here.

While we were all sad to lose another family member, the real tragedy in these two deaths lies at the feet of my grandmother, their mother.  I have yet to have one child enter this world, so I cannot imagine what it is to see two of the three children you’ve birthed leave it in such tragic ways.  I wish there was more we could each do to help her through her grief…but I wonder if this type of grief is ever something that you do get through.

Mike, Linda and I all flew out to Iowa for the funeral this past Monday and home again on Tuesday.  It is sad, but I felt slightly numb to the entire experience having just walked these same steps a little over a year ago.  Like I said earlier, the hardest part for me was watching my grandma and knowing that there is nothing that any of us can really do to make her feel any better.

While everyone in our family said a more permanent goodbye to my Uncle, I said a much briefer one to Alan.  He is now in Florida and trying to find out when and where he is supposed to be going for the next six months.  We should have a better idea of that in the next week or so.  It’s always hard to be apart from him, but I know it’s not forever and that things will be back to normal fairly soon in the larger scheme of things.  Alan did take the camera with him so until I get to Ohio and can use my brother’s, there probably won’t be any pictures to accompany the blog.

The end of this 27th week of pregnancy marks the beginning of my seventh month and the start of the third trimester.  Right now, the weeha actually has more taste buds than he’ll have when he’s born.  My amniotic fluid has different flavors depending on what I’ve eaten and he can taste them, already developing specific likes and dislikes.  At close to three pounds and sixteen inches long, his movements are getting much stronger.  I always feel the most movement from him in the mornings before I’ve eaten anything.  It seems like if I sleep too late and he gets too hungry in there, that he starts rolling around and jabbing me to let me know it’s time to wake up and feed him…my own personal alarm clock.  Before leaving, Alan was able to push on my belly and have the weeha kick back at him.  I miss having him here to rub and pat my belly all the time.

This week Mikayla told me that, judging from the size of my belly, she thought the weeha was ready to come out.  While my belly is definitely big, it still has a lot of growing to do…approximately 80 days worth, before the weeha is ready for life on the outside.  It does seem, though, that I am growing in exponential form lately.  It is getting harder to be comfortable at any given time…but not unbearable yet.  I feel the most comfortable when I am only wearing my birthday suit…but there are only so many places you can wander around in the nude.  :D  Rolling over in bed has recently become an exercise in itself, with a lot of huffing and puffing involved.

By this time next week, I should be safely in Ohio…where I’m sure Ed, Makena and the rest of the Baer family will give me lots of material for my upcoming blogs. Take care, and thanks for reading.

Week 20: A Japanese Ultrasound

Hachinohe Ultrasound Clinic

This past week Alan and I made the trip to a Japanese ultrasound clinic in a neighboring town.  I wanted to go on September 12 because it’s been such an unlucky day for both Alan and I that I thought planning something positive to do would hopefully turn it around for us.  My dad died on that date last year and Alan’s good friend also died two years ago, on that same day.  So, instead of moping around and just being sad all day we decided to go take a look at the weeha.  If there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that my dad wouldn’t want us to be morbid or sad all day long…he’d want us to be doing something fun for him instead.

The clinic was only open from 9-12 on Saturday morning and I was a little worried we were going to miss it because Alan had gone out with a friend for some drinks the evening before and hadn’t gone to bed until pretty late.  I woke up, wide-eyed and ready to go at about 7:30AM, just to roll over and see Alan still sleeping.  So, I got up, got some breakfast…checked my email…still no movement from Alan’s side of the bed.  He must have felt me willing him to get his booty up because, finally, at around 9 he cracked an eyelid open and peered at me…whenever he does that with his eye it reminds me of a whale eye.  I don’t know if you’ve ever been whale watching, but sometimes they surface and just barely open an eye to check you out before diving back under.  I’m sure he’d have much rather gone back to sleep but I’ll give him credit because, hangover be damned, he rolled himself up and into the shower and off we went.

There were so many Japanese women in the waiting room of the clinic that there was hardly anywhere to sit..and Alan was the only guy there.  Japanese women pretty much go through both their pregnancy appointments and labor alone, without the help of their husbands.  I think Alan felt a little awkward with all the women staring at him so he said he was going to walk around…after a while he poked his head around the corner and motioned for me to follow him upstairs.  I trailed behind him and when we reached the third floor I saw that he’d found the baby nursery!  We saw lots of tiny newborns that all looked pretty cute…I couldn’t believe how small they were.  I kept trying to imagine Alan holding something so tiny…like a gentle giant.  I couldn’t quite picture it though.

When it was finally our time to see the weeha, I hopped on the table and pulled my shirt up to prepare for the ultrasound goo they squirt on you.  All of the sudden we saw him/her on the screen and it looked like the weeha was either blowing bubbles or swallowing the amniotic fluid…he/she kept moving it’s mouth in an O shape.  The weeha did resemble an alien-like being though, because you can see the bony structures on the ultrasound.  We also did the 4-D ultrasound but the weeha doesn’t have enough fatty tissues for that to be really clear yet.  The nurse found an angle that gave us a pretty good view of the weeha’s butt and at first I didn’t see anything so I asked her if it was a girl.  Then the weeha moved and it looked like there was something there between the legs and the nurse said, “maybe a boy, but I’m not sure.”  So….we’re still not positive if we’re having a boy or a girl but it’s looking like a boy.  I’ll have another ultrasound next week so we’ll see if things are any clearer by then.

From the top of his head to the tip of his toes, the weeha is about ten inches long already…so think the length of a carrot.  I can’t believe he’s already that big; it seems like just yesterday he was the size of a plum.  If the weeha is a girl, she developed all of the eggs she’ll hold within her ovaries this week; if it’s a boy then the testicles began their descent from the abdomen and will drop into the scrotum either this week or next.  The weeha is also doing a fair amount of rolling around inside my tummy.  His most active times are between 10am and 8pm…after that it seems like he falls asleep for the night.  In the mornings, I’ll wake up and make Alan a fruit shake for when he gets back from his run…when I turn the blender on, the weeha starts moving so I think it wakes him up!  Hopefully, it doesn’t scare him though…

Alan’s been doing his best to make me laugh lately because he thinks it’s funny to watch my belly jump around when I do. Unfortunately, it just makes me feel fatter to watch my tummy shake so much.  It really seems to be growing by the second now….I get a little startled every time I walk by a mirror and I have a sneaking suspicion it’s just going to get worse.  But, as long as the weeha is healthy and growing, I’m happy…I just have to continually remind myself that I’ll get all this weight off after he arrives.

I’ve also been purchasing lots of cute diapers and having them sent to my grandma’s house in Arizona.  I figure it’s better to send them there, instead of shipping them here and having to put them in a suitcase for my trip back to AZ anyway.  I’ve also bought a couple of baby slings to haul the weeha around in…it will let my arms be free while doing things around the house or while out and about instead of having to mess with a stroller…and from what I’ve read it’s also developmentally better for them to be close to you in a sling.  I’m going to try and bypass using a stroller altogether but we’ll see how it goes…I may have to get one when he’s older.

So, the baby shopping has really been kicked into high gear this week!  I’m sure there will be much more in the future…especially when I start buying clothes.

A Baer Unravelled

Do you remember that arcade game where the claw would come down and grab, hopefully, the toy of your choice and then drop it in the bucket for you to take home?  I had a dream about that last night that made me think of so many things.  In my dream, I went for the baer (yes, I know I’ve mixed up the a and the e…I do it by choice.)  Anyway, I passed up the brightly colored other animals and picked the stuffed brown baer.  I picked it out of the bin and noticed a little thread hanging by it’s mouth, so I gave it a little tug….and the whole baer unravelled. 

There are some families that are just like that baer in my dream, and my family is one of them.  I have always thought that the unravelling of my own family would be caused by the death of my Grandma Baer.  But, I was wrong.  The one thread that’s always held our family together was my father, and his thread was pulled….and now we unravel and unravel and unravel.  Pretty much the only thing left at this point, are the raw, cotton insides.

Maybe it’s the looming Father’s Day that brought on this dream.  But, along with all the hurt I still feel, that all of us still feel, the unravelled baer also made me think of some important lessons and good memories I have from my dad.  

My dad was the thread that held our family together because he always inspired us to want to come home whenever we could.  I know people that dread going home for holidays or weekends with their parents and siblings…we always really loved it, even our spouses loved it.  We didn’t get along with each other all the time, or maybe even the majority of the time, but it was like ‘base.’  You felt safe there.

My dad taught me that parenting is not about giving your kids their best and brightest future just so your children can turn around and repay you for all the things you’ve done for them.  He taught me that parents give their children their best and brightest future so that those kids can go and do as they choose…it’s not a child’s job to repay their parents. I’ve noticed that if a parent has done a good job, the children will always want to come back around…not feel like they have to.

There are some people that think the most important part of parenting is just showing up…just being there.  I know, from experience, this is not the case.  Just showing up was never good enough for anything…it’s all the time that you put in that counts for something.  And the times when it counts the most, are the times it’s the most uncomfortable or difficult for a parent to be there, doing the right thing by their child.  My dad had to take me to get my first bra, handle the first time I got my period, help me plan my wedding and even help me pick out my wedding dress…none of which, are things that most dads really deal with.  But, mine did.  Mine took me on father-daughter dates, came to all the homecoming courts I was on and all the games I played in.  He taught me that tough love is the only type that makes you grow, although as tough as his love ever was, I know he always loved me unconditionally.  He taught me that actions speak much louder than words and that the best, or worst, things you’ll have to live with are the consequences of those actions.  My dad made sure that my brother, sister and I got to see and experience many thing and many places…all of which have given us a better understanding of the world and bonded my siblings and I so much closer together.  All of these things have been so important to me, but I think the most important lessons he showed me were what a husband should be to his wife and what a parent should be to their child.

Maybe my brother, sister and I can find our final lesson from our dad in his sudden death; maybe he wants us to know that we can stitch our family back together ourselves…that we’ll always carry his piece of the thread in our souls and can rebuild it from there.

I miss my dad so much, but I know he must have a huge section of heaven somewhere for all of the good things he’s done and all of the people he’s touched in his life.  I hope that there are angels watching over who can carry my letters, and all of our thoughts, to him.  He’s probably in Heaven’s equivalent of Hawaii…playing one big cosmic game of golf.  I hope you win dad, I hope you win.

Reflections of You

I sometimes try to clear my head but you are always there. So instead of wiping it away, I’ve decided to take note of everywhere I see you. And although there are too many to write down, here are a few:

For some reason I see you in the rain, maybe because it reminds me of all the tears.

I saw you in the golf ball stuck in a storm drain – I tried and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck and not a Titleist anyway so I eventually moved on.

I heard you in that song…i hear you in so many songs that I try to avoid music. 

I see you in my nightmares and finally in one good dream. I’ll take the bad dreams if it means I eventually get a good one.

I see you in every person wearing a military uniform. It’s physically painful for me to watch my own husband dress in his own, as proud as I am that he does.

I see you when I look in a mirror.

I see you in the slant of my brother’s shoulders under this weight he’d never thought he’d have to bear.

I hear you in the cynical quips of my sister who is much too young…just much too young.

I see you in the water… every type of water.